What Autogynephilia is, and what is it not; a brief note

I wanted to explain some aspects of what autogynephilia is. It was initially posted as two separate post on MumsNet in response to questions about what it is, and a number of limiting preconceptions a number of people had (mainly that autogynephilia is confined solely to erotic cross-dressing) which limited their ability to get a grasp on this fascinating subject. I’ve posted it here as I didn’t want what I’d written to be lost forever in a long discussion thread. I will use this as a basis for a more comprehensive essay at a later point in time.

Ray Blanchard realised was that transsexuals fell into two types; homosexual (males who are attracted to males) transsexuals and non-homosexual (males who are romantically attracted to females, both females and males, or who are asexual) transsexuals, and that non-homosexual transsexuals are autogynephilic; they are stimulated erotically at the thought of themselves as a female.

Thus, transsexuals generally fall into two types: homosexual transsexuals and non-homosexual autogynephilic transsexuals. Blanchard observed that males (MTF/MTT) who are attracted to females are autogynephilic.

Why would someone who is attracted to females be autogynephilic? It has been suggested there is an ‘erotic target location error’ in the autogynephilic male, the erotic target is not outward (a woman) but inward (the transsexual’s fantasy of themselves as a woman). Anne Lawrence explains how autogynephilia leads to males transitioning in the essay ‘Becoming What We Love’.

There are several questions about autogynephilia that remain which can be resolved by empirical testing, for example are there any homosexual autogynephilic transsexuals? This is a very good question and I have seen examples of autogynephilia in homosexual transgender individuals. I have also had reported to me, from two gay males I know personally, and have done for some years, that some gay men have a history of childhood/pubescent autogynephilia (this activity was not confined to merely ‘dressing up’!). So, I know that some gay males also have histories of autogynephilia.

Cantor has suggested that MRI scans on the brains of homosexual and non-homosexual transsexuals supports Blanchard’s ‘two type’ theory of transsexuals.

There are four different types of autogynephilia which may occur completely, partially, or in combination with other types (complete or partial):

  • Transvestic autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of wearing typically feminine clothing (this is what people often mean when they talk about autogynephilia, but it is much more nuanced);
  • Behavioral autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of doing something regarded as feminine, also covers ‘interpersonal autogynephilia’;
  • Physiologic autogynephilia: arousal to fantasies of body functions specific to people regarded as female (there’s some way-out stuff on the Internet of males getting a kick from pretending to be pregnant); and
  • Anatomic autogynephilia: arousal to the fantasy of having a normative woman’s body, or parts of one (breasts are a common fantasy, often the autogynephile will want breasts but to keep his penis and testicles, this is an instance of ‘partial autogynephilia’).

Autogynephilia can also be compared to being a sexual orientation.

Here’s a piece I put together taking something someone else has written and pointing out the real world instances of autogynephilia the author was (unwittingly) describing ‘17 signs I am an autogynephiliac and didn’t know it‘. If you read my critique or even just the original piece ‘17 Signs I was Transgender But Didn’t Know It‘, it is apparent the use of pornography played a role in the evolution of he subject’s sexuality.

I think it’s always good to look at real world examples as it makes the topic easier to understand and it also demonstrates the phenomena does exist, and once you know what you are looking for, examples of autogynephilia are easy to spot, for example in this piece by Juno Roche ‘Other Lands: The great unexplored realm of the trans vagina‘. Note also, through their own use of language, the apparent influence of porn on the author’s sexuality:

Juno Roche 600There is a misconception that the autogynephilic transsexual is a repressed homosexual male. Although the autogynephilic transsexual will often fantasise about, or even have sex with men, it’s a performance, they are acting their own fantasy of what it is to become the woman they love: this love is targeted inwardly towards themselves, or rather at the fantasy woman that exists in their head. This autogynephilic sexuality can look like heterosexuality but in reality this competes with their displayed heterosexuality.

It is thus incorrect to suggest the autogynephile is a repressed homosexual, just as it is incorrect to suggest they are a normative heterosexual. They are instead automonosexual, this sexuality resembles but competes with their heterosexuality. They become, they are, the woman with whom they are in love.

Further reading:

Dr Anne Lawrence ‘Men Trapped in Men’s Bodies’

34 Replies to “What Autogynephilia is, and what is it not; a brief note”

  1. Thanks for this article. I saw Juno Roche interviewed by a trans man in a video and did some searching. I just read ‘her’ article about her ‘vagina’ and wanted to vomit and did a google search to see if anyone else saw what I saw. It reeks of autogynephilia, not transgenderism. I can say as a cis-woman, we do not have these thoughts about our vaginas. From speaking with my girlfriends, we think out vaginas are ugly. For many women it’s a source of trauma and pain- rape, childbirth. What she said about fantasising about having a vagina, was gross and disturbing. And sounds like something out of a male porn fantasy, not a woman’s true experience of having a vagina.

    You can always tell apart a true trans women and an autogynaphile, because the autogynaphile will only talk about their wanting to be a woman in sexual terms and most of their fantasies revolve around sex. Not the mundane existence of womanhood, like trans women want to have.

    These autogynephile ‘men’ make my skin crawl and I felt violated just reading that article.

  2. Lila, I can only speak as a lesbian women, but we don’t think our vaginas are ugly and our sexual fantasies often involve similar ones to those described above i.e.. a woman’s hand touching us, feeling our cunts etc. However, we actually do have cunts so it is obviously very different to the experience of autogynephilia. My problem is men who decide that this fetich males them a woman and entitles to enter women’s spaces. Fuck No!!

    1. Yeah, good point. My friends are all straight so I guess maybe our feelings would be different. Glad you have positive feelings towards yours! We all should do!

      Yeah, I agree. I think unfortunately, these autotogynephiles make it harder for true trans women to be accepted. This is why it’s good to have guides like this to help us spot them.

  3. Lila,
    i am a heterosexual woman and i don’t think of my vagina as an ugly source of pain and trauma.
    Giving birth to my children was the most powerful thing I have ever done in my life.
    It is/has been a source of great pleasure over the years!

    What gets me is the fantasy that being a woman is JUST about being a vagina. That all the dreams of womanhood are dreams of having a vagina, a vagina that will be sexually pleasurable to have.

    What about all the things that go along with owning that vagina?
    All the experiences that women go through in a lifetime because they own a vagina?

    1. I’m glad you vagina isnt a source of trauma to you. For many women it is the source of extreme trauma and agony, including FGM, rape, child abuse , abortion, child marriage, forced pregnancy and traumatic childbirth. For many women lucky enough to escape all of that, the vagina and its functions can simply be a deep source of shame and guilt.

      1. The vagina is not the source of the traumas you list, human violence is- you magic away agency. Vagina and its functions are only a source of shame and guilt because of the culture of woman hating.

  4. I am transgender. I am also what I assume they would describe as ‘non-homosexual transgender’. I find this to be ironic, because as a MtF transgender, while I understand that I am (by the strictest biological definition pertaining to reproductive organs) a male, my gender identity is female, and I am attracted to women, which would make me homosexual (lesbian).

    In any case, while I find the idea of having a ‘female’ body exciting, I am not *sexually* aroused by the thought of becoming ‘female’. I have never used thoughts of my ‘female’ body as a masturbatory aid. The closest that I have come to this is imagining myself in a sexual relationship with another lesbian women, in some detail. I am not completely sure, but I suspect that this doesn’t qualify, as it only indirectly involves my ‘female’ body.

    I’m afraid that I am either the exception (rather than the rule), or that this study (which ‘proves’ that non-homosexual transgender are autogynephilic transgender) is flawed, and that the subject requires more research to reach a more substantive conclusion.

    1. Thanks for the comment.

      “The closest that I have come to this is imagining myself in a sexual relationship with another lesbian women, in some detail.”

      Dependent on the context, this could be interpreted as behavioural autogynephilia and anatomical autogynephilia, if you have the body of a woman in these fantasies.

      I would always recommend this piece as a good introduction and explanation of how AGP works:

      http://www.annelawrence.com/becoming_what_we_love.pdf

      Good luck on your travels.

  5. I am a young trans woman, having been in transition for three years now despite being only age 23. I have a lot to say about the AGP phenomenon…

    See, when I started my transition, three years ago, it was with the goal in mind of making my life and romantic pursuits easier on me. Additionally, I decided it was time to embrace my feminine physical features, as opposed to unhealthily trying to combat them with steroids and the like. I was a male fitness model, which worked well for me because I was very toned with quite androgynous features. I was also gay, and did a lot of unorthodox things to get through through my first two years of college.

    Nonetheless, it was clear that transitioning would lead to a more fulfilling life because of how feminine my bone structure, etc., was. As an example, I’m currently between 5 ft. 8 and 5 ft. 9, weighing 135 lbs., and wear 32B in bras. I also sound entirely female, have big eyes and dainty hands, and look like any other woman you’d run into in public.

    I transitioned to fit in more easily, to not have to monitor my every move out of fear of seeming too “gay”, and because it was the obvious answer to my problems. I didn’t even see therapy for it; that’s how apparent my need to transition was! I was under the impression that the bulk of the trans-woman community was the same way, and I’ve been entirely wrong. 🙁

    See, the attempts I’ve made to connect with other trans women, over the years, have been met with at least 75% of them coming onto me. A couple of them had even voiced seeing porn videos/photos of mine, which made me so embarrassed that I wanted to faint. Many of them have also made me feel like I was taking part in a perverted “bro-to-bro” conversation with them by talking about their deep-seated attraction towards young pre-op trans women in front of me. Better yet, one insisted that I see her motorcycle, and revved it loud and clear for me, as I stood there dumbfounded that women even engage in such masculine behaviors.

    I tried to rationalize for a long time that maybe it’s just my geographic area, but I’m learning that it’s an age thing, as well as AGP. It just becomes so obvious whenever over half of your hangouts with the trans community are met with extremely masculine behaviors or perverted looks/comments towards you.

    I’ve recently admittedly regretted my transition because of how few “homosexual” transsexuals there are. I realize that I’d probably be so much happier hanging out with the gay community, which is difficult unless you’re a drag queen or a guy. I just miss the warmth, the lax attitude, and the overall hubbub of it all. 🙁

    I thought the trans community would be the same, but most of the ones I knew are so radically pro-“trans” that they waved trans flags after the Orlando Massacre, as opposed to gay pride flags. They have profoundly hurt me, and they know nothing of legitimate trans women. I forayed into the TS porn industry, to pay bills, at age 21—and I’m “all woman” socially. I’m not some self-absorbed upper-middle-class man, who decided that getting a sex-reassignment at age 40 would solve my issues! Heck, I don’t even want SRS! Haven’t the autogynephiles caught on that trans women nor cis women possess obsessions with getting vaginas like they do?!? I wish I could just put a stop to the absurdity, but they compose like 90% of our demographic, especially if you live in a less urban area!

    1. I am considering transition and would love to hear more about your experiences. Would you be open to chatting? Thanks,
      Maddie

    2. Real XX women do rev their motorcycle or automobile engines at other XX women. We sometimes do it for men too. It isn’t an inherently masculine behavior. I am a right wing heterosexual XX woman and I enjoy being with women who rev engines, some of whom are dyke lesbians. We like–actually thrill to–some of the same things.

      Sexuality, vocational, and hobby interests are fluid. Political ideology is more fluid than people realize too. Gender is not so fluid. Gender realism, of XX and XY chromosomes is much more accomodating than trans ideologues would like to admit.

      I am sad that you have had a difficult time as a gay man in the past, and I hope you find a middle ground that makes you content.

  6. The true trans distinction is bollox, they’re all trans, different types of trans but truly trans if they truly are trans.

  7. Hi Miranda, thank you for this excellent article!

    I’m a middle-aged heterosexual male, and I’ve been a transvestic autogynephile for as long as I can remember – my earliest cross-dressing memory is from age 5. I’ve never had a reliable desire to transition, because the strong erotic feelings I get from crossdressing or fantasizing about it pass entirely with sexual release.

    I’m familiar with Ray Blanchard’s theory of autogynephilia, the controversy surrounding it, and the strong denial of its claims from trans activists. For me, the theory rings true and it fits with my own experience and with the behaviour of other autogynephiles I’ve witnessed from various online forums over the last 25 years.

    I have a question for you, if you don’t mind:

    I’ve never seen it discussed why a five-year-old heterosexual male would be compelled to wear women’s clothing (especially underwear) and be erotically stimulated by it. Are there any childhood development theories that might explain this?

    I ask, because my mother was emotionally neglectful in the extreme, and she also punished me severely for crossdressing. Further, I’ve noticed similar stories from other crossdressers. I’m curious if childhood emotional neglect or abuse is over-represented in autogynephiles.

    1. Thanks for the comment. I can’t answer your question directly as I’m unfamiliar with meaningful research in this area, as autogynephilia is not being explored because of what seems to me like a climate of political fear. In ‘Men Trapped In Men’s Bodies’, Anne Lawrence makes a number of observations that are referenced to studies that discuss the sexuality of children. You may wish to check this out, and I would heartily recommend this book.

    2. Cary I found your story very interesting and I relate a great deal to it.I lost my mother at a very young age(3 years old)and my theory is that the trauma was never addressed and not having emotional connection due to her absence caused this.Could you guide me to a reliable online forum if you know of one.As I get older the episodes become more and more intense to the point of me wanting to remove my male parts and feel a vagina down below.After release this does subside enough for me to continue life normally but with this never ending envy of women being so fortunate to have female genitals……weird but true.

  8. My experience is very similar to Cary’s in early chilxhood. However, my heterosexual feelings and desires became more dominant in my later teens and early twenties, and although I very occasionally crossdressed in female undies, and felt very guilty and depressed in doing so, I was advised by a Samaritan that I would grow out of it as I took on family and career responsibilities. How wrong that advice was! In summary, I am now in my late 60s, fully identifying with some of the autogynephiliac characteristics, and for the last seven years have made my wife’s life miserable by being unable to have a normal sexual relationship with her. My advice to any young autogynephile would be not to ever think it will ‘go away’. In fact the autogynephilia will become stronger with age. Do not ever marry as you will ultimately wreck the life of the woman you love.

  9. Rob what you say about marriages being wrecked is true to a point I have identified myself as autogynephilic and sad to see that some people are revolted by this.My wife seems to think that I should leave and become a women,if I persist along this road.It has affected my sex life,she says she has less desire due to her medications plus age which could be true but maybe she has closed off due to me being AGP.Through careful communication you can save your marriage she needs to be better informed of your condition.

  10. For me on this matter, I feel that I already feel like a woman even in a man’s body. The thing is I would be and love to be a full woman because I would have a happier life. On that note, as far as sexual goes between men and women I’m open to both but as far as attracted too or with my heart it goes towards women. Everything about me crys women, I want to be. My question is, if I become a full woman from head to toe… and I share my love with a women… does that make me a lesbian?

    1. Coming in very late, but your question spoke to me. I am a natal female, XX female, whatever you want to call it. I’m a lesbian and I have gender critical and radfem leanings. With that said, if you had gender reassignment surgery, I would consider you a lesbian. I think most of my friends who share my general leanings would agree as well. What doesn’t sit well with me is transwomen who still have their male sex organs intact calling themselves lesbians and shaming me and my sisters for not being interested sexually. But lesbian sex, by definition, does not involve male sex organs regardless of whether they belong to a male-identified XY male or a transwoman (male woman, IMO).

  11. What should I do…? I… I just hurt whenever I look in the mirror… When I see my body… I… I just want to vomit, to cry… To just end it all… What should I do… What does that even mean…? I… I just want to be a girl… To not have this disgusting horrible body that torments me every day of my life… I’ve tried to accept it… To know I’m never going to be a woman… But it just makes it hurt even more… What should I do…? What the fuck am I…? Why am I this freak…?

  12. I am a hetero somewhat gender-fluid male in my thirties and when I was a child I found scenes in movies that involved metamorphosis to be sexually exciting. It was not something that I intentionally schemed up or discovered preexisting once I had reached sexual maturity. Fairy tales like Disney movies where people were transformed into animals or the little mermaid–or even more arousing, I found, were the infrequent fictions of a human boy or man becoming a human female…which were better, because I didn’t relish the bestial aspect of an animal metamorphosis to involve mating. In truth, I find both male and female genitalia to be somewhat disconcerting and not the focus of what I am attracted to in women. I find the human form beautiful as a whole, and I am enticed by the complementary coupling of male and female yin and yang act of straight sex. In an AGP fantasy, I imagine sex as a culmination after I imagine a transformation, which if it were a wish, wouldn’t be for permanence, but for fluid freedom to be either. Lesbian scenes in pornos do not excite me, nor does sodomy or other homosexual acts. I opened myself to the possibility, hitherto accused of AGPhiliacs, (just to make sure I wasn’t) of suppressing gay feelings, and I can say unequivocally, that 1st base was enough to know for sure that so long as I am male, I do not desire male relations. Yet the fantasy of being female would involve gender complements for heterosexual coitus. I am very much aware of the fact that my being attracted to women as a man fuels part of the excitement obtained while imagining a woman’s experience…i do not wish that I had been born a woman, as Lila pointed out that the mundane subjective auto-centric-reality of ever-hitherto-womanhood is part of being a woman, but I think she is pathetically small minded and it offends me that she considers AGP to just be a vagina fetish (even if that is the translated gist of the regrettable Latin label). While I already said that I don’t think either sex’s genitals are exquisite objects of beauty, its a far cry from her dour ‘pain and horror anatomical grotesquerie’ prognosis. The differences between male and female forms are intense focal points…curviness, height, breasts, hips, I’ve even fantasized that I began as a woman and was turned into a man, to try to elicit the novelty of the otherness. For me, the metamorphosis is a HUGE component of the turn on, I wonder what it would be like to experience the subjective difference, the change. I am gender fluid, I can embrace my masculinity, I am effeminate at times, and I sometimes recoil from either and dwell in androgynous asexuality. I am balanced in this regard as to being passive or dominant, and I am best partnered with a similarly andro/fluid girl in a relationship. During one such relationship which enjoyed an extremely healthy and active sex life, we would switch roles between dominant and submissive almost every time. We were fond of roleplaying a pseudo-rape scenario where one person would try to resist the other partner’s efforts (I had to dial back my strength when playing the “victim” or was given a handicap…like restraints/bondage. I realized at one point, that she was fantasizing about being a man herself, and when I asked her about it, five minutes later I was wearing a wig and a bra and she was wearing a tie. I have asked many female friends, young and old if they would like to experience being a man for a day or a week or even a year…More often than not, it is an enthusiastic “yes!” One told me ‘her dick would fall off’ [from how much she would be using it]. I think it is unfair to accuse a guy with AGP of just projecting male horniness onto a female projection. I think everybody wants to know what it is like to know what you never can know, how the other half fares. These are NOT new fascinations. As a fan of mythology, let me bring up a few greek myths of interest. Tiresias was a man that was transformed into a woman for 7 years by Hera for some demeaning slight against females, when his time was up, he was asked who experienced more pleasure…he reported that women felt 9 times as much. Plato described humans as beginning as four armed, four legged 2 faced beings called the Androgynies, fearing their strength the gods split them into their male and female sides, and scattered them so that they would forever seek their true self-other half, thus not regaining their power as a whole and unified being. Not to mention Hermaphrodite a boy who was merged with a nymph becoming both male and female, or Siproites, turned into a woman as retribution from the virgin goddess of the hunt. While the AGP fantasy has stuck with me since I started imagining it, where other fantasies have come and gone with boredom, I do know that it intensifies during periods of abstinence from lack of relationship (or relationship lacking satisfying relations)…I feel it is an aspect of being a gender fluid person, and aspiring toward the fulfillment of the male female unification. It is an aspect of curiosity, that cannot ever be known, as surgical means is a half measure that would not rewire my brain to experience orgasm differently (like the female multi-orgasm, and dual clitoral and nerve ganglia G-spot stimuli areas…although that second spot sorta MAY exist in males in the frenulum vs prostate focal areas), to experience other origin-bio functions, or the stark sudden subjective difference of being dropped directly into another transmogrified body. Curiosity instILLED the pussy cat…satisfaction wrought its lack. I can see it also as a imaginary extrapolation of other fetishes/fantasies, like a thought experiment. Domination/submission/humiliation… some guys like the whole sissyfication thing for humiliation, as males are taught in this culture that it is shameful to be like a girl. I stated earlier that with interested partners, we’ve explored dom/sub-ing… an AGP metamorphic fantasy is like submission at an extreme level…a magical spell or a djinn’s curse that one cannot resist bodily/physically down to the very molecular level, and depending on the details of the self-story can be humiliating or uplifting, punishing or simply exploratory. I don’t “auto” target myself as the object of desire “philia” in female “gyne” form, I am aroused by being a male with a female, being a female with a male, but mostly by the imaginary experience of the transformation between the two. I think I use it for masturbation, as it is a closer connection to a woman when a woman’s presence is lacking, than trying to imagine a woman to imagine sex with, as the disparity of a body not being there is so overt, its somewhat depressing. I’d rather elevate masturbation to an autonomous level of coital completion and incorporated intermerging and transmogrification, than focus the whole while on something that is unforgettably not there…another person. I don’t know if that is something that is beyond AGP or a different form…or If I simply am at a different level of personal understanding. Where do you think I fit in?

  13. As someone deeply interested and affected by the nuances of gender and sexuality, I think a lot of you have some unfortunate views on yourselves, trans* people, and this “AGP” business.

    Trans* women want to love their bodies, but not in some weird sex fantasy and only in that way. Most trans* women just want to be able to walk down the street without being attacked or gawked at. I have never heard of an MtF individual loving the idea of themselves being feminine in a sexual manner. And unfortunately, I think on this site I may be one of few to actually interact with trans* people to even know so.

    As for the trans woman’s book exerpt being “disgusting”.. honestly, have you never had an erotic dream? Maybe I’m a narcissist but my fantasies include myself and some focus on the pleasure and sensations I feel. And as a trans* man, I definitely fantasize about having the phallus and flat chest I haven’t yet achieved. Not because I find it kinky to be something I’m not, but because that’s what I feel I am inside. Granted, I’m sort of the opposite of the focus of this AGP stuff.

    The only way I can justify AGP existing is as a weird way to describe crossdressers. But crossdressers are not transgender and I’ve never heard one claim to be. Most I’ve seen are pretty happy cis males, aside from the older crowd who had to repress it and find it hard for their partners to accept now.

  14. After reading some of the stuff on here I became quite excited hoping to find out who and what I am. I felt hurt when I read Lila state “These autogynephile ‘men’ make my skin crawl and I felt violated just reading that article.”
    May I just explain how I feel. I am now a 55 year old man and I am only attracted to women. I have fanaticised my whole life since I was little about wearing Women’s clothes. I am married and my wife knows and accepts me and actively encourages me to wear ladies clothes when I find the need. As it happens I wonder if she says this just to please me and I therefore rarely dress up. I do however love shopping for women’s clothes and I have a whole wardrobe full.
    There have been times when I have had a good “kinky” day in the home and even dared to step outside in public for short moments. These few times have been so intense that I have felt like I have just been through successful therapy. I have felt so happy, so comfortable and so in the right place where I should be.
    I will explain a little more. I look at women whenever I walk through town, whenever I drive a car, on TV and my dreams. I do not want to jump into bed with them. All I want is see what they wear and I just wish I could go through women’s clothes aisles in the shops like they do. I am not creepy. I feel hurt by anyone assuming this. My problem affects me 24/7.
    I have had fantasies about having a sex change but I could not do that to my children or wife. I struggle every day with something inside of me which I do not understand.
    I would love to have advice from anyone on here who can enlighten me a little.

    1. I really wish the trans community would not stigmatise this as it is preventing so many men like yourself from being able to find help. Message me here if there’s any way I can help you.

  15. Thanks for your article and the reference to Anne Lawrence. I’m a man, and I can identify with many aspects of AGP. This certainly helps in finding who you are and preventing some of us going in a route we will most certainly regret.

    In Anne Lawrence’s article she refers to the emotions/love (vs. sexual) feelings. I was a late boomer, and most of the positive emotions of friendship, love and positive figures were related to women. Naturally to me, I caught some “female” manners, not to the point of being feminine but enough to be “different”. The first signs of sexual attraction were towards women, but they weren’t about penetration but about closeness, romance, friendship. Male friends were an example of what I did NOT want to become. Eventually, porn opened the door to questioning my sexual identity, and again I didn’t identify with the male characters. I considered cross-dressing or becoming a transvestite or transgender, because it felt “right” thinking about me as a female, mostly to signal I was looking for a deeper friendship/romantic connection that I thought couldn’t be represented as a male. With enough porn stimulation, I accepted I could become a feminine sexual object as a means to become a female and become capable to give and receive the love in the way I was longing. I looked for info on transitioning, on SRS, but somehow I knew deeply they weren’t for me.

    I went away from porn and sexualization for a while and I discovered all these were fabrications. As a man, I could become and express and receive affection in the way I was looking for. I found meaningful relationships and love with women, and I have seen and accepted my characteristics and feel 100% right as a man. I’ve observed how, with time, some male characteristics I thought were undesirable actually help complement the women I love, and I’m proud of them. I think, in my case, had I gone the trans route I would have been incomplete. I respect other cases as I’m sure they are different, but also appreciate putting out info like this that might help others.

  16. I think it’s totally correct, and that’s why I’d like to clarify the transexual fantasy of AGP “inward”, the transexual’s fantasy of themselves as a women, as I think some people reads it in a different way than it was intended. It does NOT mean that you have a fetish with your own body. It’s about loving women, and wrongly concluding that the “best way” to love them is becoming one of them.

    In my case, I wanted affection/friendship/love from women, but I found gross to force them or dominate them into sex as I thought men were doing. So I started developing the fantasy of becoming a woman to be able to get that affection/friendship/love from women. That’s the key wrong assumption: I need to become a woman (what I love) to get their affection/friendship/love. It doesn’t start as a fetish. But then I got in that mindset and, fueled by porn, I started focusing my sexual feelings on becoming female. Honestly, at the beginning, I couldn’t stand watching men in sex, I “felt female” but focused on the women. But porn is strong, so I started liking the male parts first by watching trans. Then, to complete the “female fantasy” I decided that I needed to fully play the female role in sex. So I moved into wanting female domination (again, avoiding the males at the beginning), then trans, then finally accepting male domination/penetration in my fantasies. But all of these fantasies happened because somehow I thought I needed to become a woman to love women. In my “highest” trans point (crossdressing & thinking on SRS), I saw sex with men only as a step to truly become a female and then to be able to establish meaningful relationships with women. So I’d watch porn, feeling feminine and enjoying watching men, but the fantasy high was that after sex I could meet my group of female friends and be part of them, talk with them, walk with them, be “one” of them. Yes, that’s what I think some trans could say “it’s not about the sex, it’s about being a woman”.

    If your case is similar to mine, know that you can establish meaningful and wonderful relationships with women being yourself, being a man. Indeed, you can probably establish more wonderful relationships by being the man you are and not by becoming the trans you fantasize about becoming. Get away from porn and any bad characterization of women and men. Trust that with time and by being who you are you will be able to give and receive that love and affection you are looking for.

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